This is probably a long one – so grab a cuppa or a glass of wine you might need it!

It’s obviously going to be a one of those ‘my point of view’ posts. It’s a post about parts of my pregnancy, how it was how I did and did not handle it, the highs and lows in between.

I rarely talk about this because there is a completely irrational tabboo around solo mamas where people don’t ask whether it be them feeling awkward or they dont want to know. Or they’re the complete opposite and just assume the Daddy is involved. The amount of times I was made to feel the size of an atom when health professionals questioned ‘oh is the dad just parking the car we can wait, or oh is the dad not joining us today’ – among other 1950’s style comments because the idea of a woman doing this alone was incomprehensible to some.

I can remember the moment I came to realisation I might be pregnant. One of my best friends, Megan, rang me on New Years Eve. Id just got back from dropping Aldens other parent, we’ll call him D – as Daddy is something he decided he didnt want nor deserved in the long run. She was calling to tell me some fantastic news that she was pregnant, I remember standing in the middle of my upstairs flat – thinking none of the neighbours could hear me from here because this was a huge secret – but I told her ‘I think I might be too?!’ We were both absolutely shocked, scared, buzzing and in disbeleif that look at us two potentially going to be mammys at the same time. At this stage I’d only taken a cheapy home pregnancy test with D and at the beginning it was welcoming news. He spoke about all the things he was going to teach ‘him’ because D was envisioned a boy from the start.

I went to my friends booking in appointment with her, and held her warm blood because the midwife threw it at me she was eccentric shall we say – a little naff at her job which we found out for ourselves later on down the line! She came to mine. It was extra exciting to be doing this together. I had to mention this because it was/still is downright hilarious when we talk about it!

D was excited to be a Daddy, he couldn’t believe it. Everytime I saw him he was putting his hand affectionately on my stomach, even though Alden wouldve been the size of pea! He was thinking about names, hoping he’d get my hair and brains but his ‘good looks’ and everything. It was an exciting time. After a really sad time the year before – ill go into that on another post – it felt like I was finally becoming a Mammy and I couldnt wait!!

My 1st trimester started to fly over! I never really had any sickness, I had the occasional migraine which literally knocked me for days but I didnt mind because I was growing a tiny human – that’s an amazing excuse to look like utter sh**e. I had pain early on when moving around but this was dismissed as ‘normal’ at my midwife appointments.

Things with D were starting to get distant, there were excuses left right and center – he was working the day of the first scan – so I went with my cousin. No big deal, he can catch the next one I told myself. Seeing Alden, literally bouncing off my uterus, on the screen was magical! Then the next one came around and he was busy. All the while in between telling me how much he loved his little family and he was excited to meet him.

To cut a long agonising probably boring story short – it was about 4/5 month into the pregnancy he decided – by text message – that he still wasn’t ready to be a Daddy and even though he ‘loved’ me and the baby, he couldnt do it. I tried really hard, I done everything possible but there was no changing his mind.

Just like that I was now a solo mama, I was quite a reserved person the type to just crack on with things – outwardly seeming as though I’m fine I cant tell you how heartbreaking it was to sit in the maternity waiting room watching couples coo-ing over their scan photos as I sat alone, most of the time. Every appointment is there no one with you, or the same where’s the dad awkward when, after the zillionth time, I say he simply doesn’t have a one. I was under the care of a consultant and had extra growth scans which was lovely to see Alden growing but bittersweet every time I went to that maternity deparment. I was pleased for them, its nothing against their happiness obviously. It’s an incredible journey.

My pregnancy was quite straightforward, I seemed to feel better my hair and skin were amazing in pregnancy. I had SPD – given crutches in the end as my hip would give way randomly. I was huuugge… FYI It is NOT and never has/will be okay to tell a pregnant woman ‘wow you’re huge, sure it’s not twins’ like NO, we laugh it off because it’s awkward, humiliating and are probably too exhausted to give you a slap because that’s just rude hun!

My cravings were beef space raiders, and airwaves… like i could eat a full packet of chewing gum in one sitting and just chew it with a really strong desire to swallow it!

This is probably just a short version, of what I can remember or feel okay to share. I never planned to be a solo parent, I never in a million years thought I’d be able to do it all myself. If you’re in this position it’s literally so f**king hard to come to terms with but I promise its worth it as soon as you feel the movements or see your baby you feel like Superwoman!! I don’t know where I found and continually find the strength but I do I just need to look at Alden and I instantly feel overwhelmed with strength, love and gratitude.  I don’t see it as hard as everyone else tells me as it’s just my life.

Did you have any cravings?

Let me know no matter how odd ive heard a few weird ones like eating sponges or coal!

39 weeks

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