How quickly did 2019 go?!
Especially December I feel like I’ve blinked and missed it!
So much has happened to us this year – the good the bad and the struggle is pretty much how i’d describe this year!
It all started as a rush of excitement. I was following my dreams of opening my own studio as a child and family Photographer, finally. I’m a creative person with a passion for graphic design – a nerd for fonts and illustration if you will so my aim was to fill the front with some eclectic and limited design pieces of clothing for children too, designing our own branded clothing too. This was going to be a dream jobrole. I felt the most proud of myself and the goals I was focused on helped to deter from my ongoing physical and mental health annoyances. They were no longer on top tier of my to do, which I would later regret.
From designing the studio from scratch everything from the logo which Alden helped design I tell this story fondly to anyone that asks about Jaxxy monster – I asked how many eyes, spikes and teeth etc we drew it together – so much meaning going into providing a future for my dude – on my own.
I can do this!
Months went by, the studio was thriving, however I was not, ignoring my mental and physical health took toll and after some startling news and advice my consultant about the rapid deterioration in my issues I was strongly advised to stop! I needed to slow down dramatically and actually listen to what was going on and focus on some form of treatment, before I did more damage than good. I remember feeling worse and worse, then my hands and other parts of my body where giving me signs too, the weakness in my hands is shocking. Ignoring it because I was going 100mph in life I didnt have time to stop but I was crashing out and becoming overwhelmed.
Since then I’ve been for many appointments to ascertain what is going on because they don’t know for certain what, why or how to fix it – thats me hoping its a fix rather than a lifetime thing. I went for an isotope bone scan that absolutely terrified me, mindfullness got my through it – I’ve not heard anything back yet!
No news is good news right?….right?!
My mental health, I’ll keep short and sweet as I’m still not okay to talk in too much detail about it, I’m trying and maybe 2020 I’ll start delving more but I was finally diagnosed with PTSD following Birth Trauma – its taken 3 years being ignored, fobbed off with medication and the like I left it so long enough was enough and I finally sought help and within the first appointment it all came out in a nigara falls-esque fashion – the dam holding it all together came down out of sheer desperation I think. Numbing the feelings to others for so long was the cause I think.
So that’s an overview into the bad, lets focus and end on the good!
My dude. Period.
The only reason I do everything in life, my one and only – he turned 3!
T H R E E – already like oh my goodness since when was he a fully fledged little human.
A kind, caring, intelligent, strong willed little dude! He’s been thriving so much, he amazes me every day with all the info he comes out with – his memory is incredible!
He’s had obsessions with sharks which turned to whales and other animals – reciting different species with ease – he knows more than I ever did.
Then his focus turned to planets – I’ve never known a 2-3 year old know so much about the solar system – I didnt even know there was that many dwarf planets. He’s literally giving me a constant lesson.
‘Mammy when I’m growned up I want to be a asto-naut – I love science’– Alden Jax – 2019 – Aged 3.
Like a little sponge he takes it all in!
The most random but surprising tidbit he shared whilst using a restaurants bathroom – he was sat having a wee and said ‘Mammy them Hexagin’ pointing at the minute tiles thousands of little hexagons together, something as an adult I wouldn’t have probably even noticed, but he did and with such curiosity and wonder – ‘it has six sides mammy’ then rhymed off a ‘hentagon has five, nonagon has 9 right mammy?’ I love his wonder of the world around him – what a great place it would be if everyone appreciated things like a little one.
We’ve been super lucky to have been on so many adventures, a few gifted visits to Edinburgh Zoo, The Deep and Coral Island – I’ve got blog posts and vlogs on our channel from those, we started our Youtube this year! I’m so grateful our little instagram diary has led us into these opportunities. We had some super fun terms at Little Learners. Had some lovely festive activities visiting Santa which was magical because he understands the wonder now!
We went on our first little holiday to Haven Berwick. He loved the ‘holiday home’ It’s not even far from where we live but it felt like a little relaxed world away from home – I’m definitely looking into going again this year.
He absolutely smashed potty training, it sank in in less than 2 days and, touching wood right now, we’ve never had any major accidents as in number 2’s – phew thank god. I was so proud of him and continue to be so! We went the intensive route I researched it and thought that would work best for us and it really did! It’s on my blog list – which in 2020 I hope to actually spend time and focus on following through with completing the ideas.
Ending 2019, right now I’m overwhelmed with stress from the ‘boring’ parts of life, my health – my finances etc with it being just me it does become overwhelming like one thing after another and im drowning but then just being with my dude and spending quality time is getting me through, helping me to stay afloat. What a year.
I’m hoping 2020 is the year of us. I really really want it to be. We deserve some sort of euphoria to not worry about one of my current worries would be nice!